Courage Doesn't Always Roar: A Teacher's Quest to Be Better Each Day

The packages were under the tree, in color-coordinated wrapping paper. Alex had green paper with Minions in red Santa hats. Megan had magenta paper, with Disney princesses and mistletoe and holly. Wrapping paper flew with exclamations of delight until Megan opened one gift that stopped her in her tracks. Gizmo, a Mogwai- a Gremlin was opened to shrieks of joy. I was not in favor of my 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter watching Gremlins, the classic 80’s movie. I remember it being so scary. On a night where I was out, my husband showed it to them. They loved it and no nightmares. In fact, they talked about Gizmo a lot, especially Megan. Which gave Santa the idea to buy her Gizmo for Christmas. There were many other adorable stuffed animals she received, but it was Gizmo who she held all day long on Christmas. Her new alphabet beads were used to spell out MOGWAI in a necklace for Gizmo. Gizmo was lovingly carried to her grandparents’ house and didn’t leave her arms for ...

In December 2001, back before my curricular units were all planned out prior to the school year starting, created by others and not me; back before "I can" statements were anything I knew; back before teacher evaluations were based on the Danielson Rubric and being deemed "highly effective" was synonymous to the Holy Grail, I was a first year teacher, teaching sixth grade in an elementary school. Back then, one of the subjects I taught was "Language Arts" and aside from the New York State Standards at the time, there wasn't a whole lot of direction in what I should be teaching. While that was disconcerting for a first year teacher, it was also freeing. Here is what my sixth graders did in December 2001: Each student was part of a group. The assignment was to make your own toy or game. It could be based on a real game, like Monopoly, but redone with your own categories and questions. Students had to create the game and write the directions for how y...

The violins played "Pachelbel's Cannon" as the high school juniors, holding a small candle, filed into the auditorium. I sat in a special section, with other teachers from my district who'd been asked to attend by a new inductee of the National Honor Society. The student who invited me was a former kindergarten student! How honored I was that she chose me to see her receive this honor.  After I had the chance to hug her and tell her how proud I was of her, I bumped into another former kindergarten student and her brother, who was from my first kindergarten class. He's a college student now! When I saw his face, I knew instantly who he was and could picture him as a little kindergarten student. I took a picture with my 3 former kindergarten students and it was such a special moment. There are days and moments when teaching feels too hard, too heart-breaking. There are times I feel lost. But the moments that ground me, that anchor me, are moments like tonight....

     Monday evenings are not ideal for going to see a movie in the theater, but there we were- my son, daughter and I, heading to the movies to see Coco last night. Alex's school's SEPTA was sponsoring the night and we attended last year, the night after Election Day, to watch Trolls . I remember still feeling numb but Trolls ended up being a fun distraction and still a movie we watch and rewatch often.        I know there's been an outcry about the Frozen short (20 minutes- not so short) that runs before Coco, but Anna and Elsa are two of my daughter's favorites so it was enjoyable to see them again. I thought it was cute and not nearly as obnoxious as the tweets I read about it.         I didn't know much about Coco before attending the movie, but I must say I loved it. There were themes of following your heart, family first, and fame at what cost. As someone who likes to picture Heaven as a big dinner party where my...

"Pancakes don't have feelings," my four year old daughter, Megan, chides me as I wash off the dishes. I had just tried to guilt her into eating more piece of the pancake cut on her plate. I probably said something to the effect of, "Oh, the pancakes all want a turn to be eaten! They feel sad you aren't eating them."  Megan was onto me, but assigning feelings to inanimate objects is something I've been doing my whole life. My sister's toast at my wedding referenced how I used to cry when she would kick pinecones at the park because I thought she was separating them from their families. (Ahem. I really thought that.) Oh, how she would gleefully kick the pinecones while saying, "Oh, no, my baby!" and "Mama pinecone, where are you?" I would cry, and scurry to put the pinecones back to where they sat before they were disturbed. Megan would have said, "Pinecones don't have feelings."  And so, they don't. But ...

Love is sitting on the floor inside a steamy  indoor pool because your 4 year old taking swimming lessons is afraid and wants you there. Love is sitting on a chair on a rainy, gray soccer field when you have  stacks of work to do because your son loves when you come to his games. Love is  resisting every little Halloween candy and all the donuts and treats left in the faculty room because you deserve to look and feel  your best. Love is calling your representative signing petitions and voting because you cannot stand by while people are gunned down in schools in churches in movie theaters in playgrounds at concerts. Love is wishing  you could do more. Love is  saying no to your child because another cookie or another tv show or another toy will be bad for them even though they  don't understand that and you seem mean.  Love is  making them say "thank you" and making them brush their te...

There is a student who stops by my door almost every morning. He smiles at me and I ask him about his day, his sports, how it's all going. My new students are usually walking in, or asking me a question, or need something, so this former student can't stay for long. But I'm so glad he comes by to see me.  If you asked me last year to predict the students who would stop by and visit me, I would not have thought this young man would. I spent the first few months of school finding him very hard to reach. He seemed so disengaged, especially as a reader and writer. I felt like I couldn't make a connection with him. I even asked his second grade teacher if she had been concerned about him. She hadn't.  Somewhere mid-year, the spark came. It was independent writing time, where he created his own illustrated books, that I first saw some excitement. Later he collaborated with a classmate to make a Google slide book about their baseball team. He even included an "A...

When I was a new teacher, I used to arrive at work by 6:45 or so in the morning. The day officially started at 8:15, but there was sooo much to do before the students came. The day ended by 3:15, but I often stayed until after 6, lugging a bag of work home with me. The amount of work seemed endless and I toiled round the clock. Those were the days when I lived at home with my parents, was single, and could work round the clock, though it certainly did my social life no favors.  I remember a colleague once telling me, "There are no awards for who stays the latest." She was certainly right. I wasn't looking for an award- I was looking to keep my head above water. I just couldn't seem to ever be caught up.  I'm not a new teacher anymore- this is year 16 for me. Nowadays I get in about 7:50 and sometimes I have to leave by 3:15 now that my children have after school activities. I still bring a big bag of work home with me, but by the time I get my kids to sleep,...

When I was a new college student, I got a job at a retail department store near my house. I quit the other retail store I was working at because I was starting to feel pressure from managers about not opening enough store credit card accounts each month. I was 18 years old and just not comfortable schmoozing people into opening up a store account when they didn't want one. So, I left one sales position for another. I hated it almost instantly. At my other job, I worked in the costume jewelry department. I was allowed to go to the ladies room when I needed to without asking permission. I was trained to handle transactions with the register. At my new job, I was stationed in the sock and handbag department for hours on end. I was not on the register. I was not allowed to go to the ladies room if I needed to without a complicated permissions procedure. There are only so many socks one can fold for hours on end without going crazy. I knew right away that this job was a mistake. M...

I used to give homework packets to my five year old students and not let them play centers on Friday if it wasn't completed.  Now I don't assign traditional homework to my 3rd graders and want my students to look for learning opportunities all around them. And read- always, I want them to read. (Write, too). But I'm not checking a log or counting sentences written in a notebook.  I used to have elaborate clip charts that announced to the world who was "on green" for being a good listener and who fell, yet again, to red because he couldn't behave.   I used to give points and Dojo dollars to students who could focus and attend and take points away from the kids who couldn't get it together. Now I work to build relationships and community and try my hardest never to shame a child, never to publicly put a clothes pin on a sign that announces a difficult day or a poor choice. I speak of our classroom community and not behavior management.  I...