Courage Doesn't Always Roar: A Teacher's Quest to Be Better Each Day

I've always loved to read. Walking into a library, I feel like I'm home. Visiting a book store, I can't believe all the possibilities waiting for me.  Reading has always been such a big part of my life and it's where my heart is as a teacher first and now a mom. But this past year, I didn't read all that much, unless you count scrolling through my phone. Social media has become a mindless pastime. And the more I scroll, the less I read real books.  One of my goals for 2019 is to rediscover my love of reading by making time to read actual books. I am deeply appreciative of Carrie Gelson, who is such a reading inspiration and has put together the #MustReadin2019 community. Visit Carrie at her site, There's a Book for That , to learn more about setting your own reading goals in 2019.  To make my goals, I'm starting first with the books I've bought and haven't read yet. There are many, sitting on my shelf, waiting for me to pick them up. I...

As one of the co-authors of the Two Writing Teachers blog , I've been selecting a One Little Word (#olw) since 2016. In years past, each co-author shared his/her word in a post featured on the Two Writing Teachers. This year, we are changing it up and linking all our One Little Word posts for 2019 into one blog post. Betsy Hubbard will be sharing that post on New Years Day. I can't wait to see the words my co-authors selected to guide their year.  In 2016, my word was HAPPY . In 2017, I chose AUDACIOUS.  My word last year, in 2018, was DO .  In 2019, about halfway through the year, I will turn 40 years old. I will be married for ten years. My mother will turn 70. These are milestones.  I sat on the floor the other night, in a quest to organize, photo albums around me. Pictures, cards, and notes from times gone by. The days before I was married and had children, when I was just becoming a teacher and a grown up. Then pictures of my wedding and pictures ...

"Alexa, play Hallelujah Chorus," I instruct, washing my hands. It's Christmas Eve day. Megan and I are trying to bake sugar cookies for Santa Claus. As I knead the powdery, crumbly dough (something has gone wrong with these cookies, I fear), the first notes start and soon I hear "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" I'm back in high school, in a green robe, on risers in the auditorium, singing my Alto part in our holiday concert.  "For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"  It is 22 years later and I still remember my part. I remember the Sopranos part, too and where the Altos came in again and when we harmonized.  "And he shall reign forever and ever....And he shall reign forever and ever.....King of Kings and Lord of Lords. King of Kings and Lord of Lords. And he shall reign forever and ever...." I attempt to make balls of dough. Megan squishes a Hershey Kiss in the middle. I'm singing an...

"Same you, new mood." -Rachel Hollis  While our thoughts and feelings are real, did you ever stop to wonder if they are true? When you tell yourself you can never x, y, or z, is that really the case? I've been thinking more about my thoughts and how shifting them can really change so much in my day to day happiness. Situation: Our elf on the shelf, Smiling Max, has returned. Old Thought: Oh no. I already don't have time for all I have to do and now I have to remember to move this freaking elf every night and think of creative things for him to do! And since Thanksgiving came early this year, there are so many extra days of this torture. New Thought: My kids are so excited and happy to see our elf again. While it's some extra work, it makes their mornings joyful and captures their imaginations. It's making this holiday season memorable. They won't always be 8 years old and 5 years old and soon enough they won't believe in/care about...

The click of the light switch. The tap tap tapping of my fingers on the keyboard. The tick, tick, tick of the car indicator.  The rip of a paper towel.  These are sounds I've just begun to hear again since donning hearing aids as of last week. Under 40 years old, I have made the decision to wear hearing aids as I have a fairly significant loss in my left ear and some hearing loss also in my right ear. Coming to the decision to get hearing aids wasn't easy. I first realized I had a hearing loss over 6 years ago. I would be on the phone and could barely understand at all when the receiver was held to my left ear. I started switching to the right but was troubled by this. My father's family all had hearing loss and most of his siblings started wearing hearing aids in midlife too. While I was pregnant with my daughter Megan, I went to an ear, nose and throat doctor and had my hearing evaluated. The doctor was stunned that I had as much loss as I did, especially on the ...

I've been listening to the most interesting, inspiring stories of redemption and success after adversity. I follow Rachel Hollis , the author of Girl, Wash Your Face and the founder of a multi-media company (which she created, as she likes to say, "with a high school diploma and a Google search bar.) Rachel's "Rise" podcast is perfectly named, as every episode I've listened to has a person who has had the worst Good Fridays become a life of Easter Sundays. In other words, people who have had trying or difficult circumstances have taken their pain and made something beautiful, or helpful, or inspiring.  The most recent episode I listened to featured Scott Harrison , the founder of Charity: Water and the author of a new book called Thirst: A Story of Redemption, Compassion, and a Mission to Bring Clean Water to the World.  His story was completely captivating. It began with a move to a new home when he was 4 and a carbon monoxide leak that left his mother f...

(Apologies to William Carlos Williams) I stayed in bed when the alarm  beeped loudly in the darkness and pressed "snooze" and cuddled close to the little blonde haired girl who ran into my room somewhere at 3 am. Forgive me for not writing  a better post this morning

For Alex Before I was your mom, it was all I wanted to be. Every month when the pregnancy test was negative, my heart broke.  Blood tests and doctors and specialists and odds against my dream. Early morning drives to the fertility doctor Blood levels measured and waiting for the perfect timing.  Before I was your mom, I wanted you with all my heart.  Before I was your mom, I was a young-ish kindergarten teacher.  I found out I was going to be your mom in my classroom closet. A voicemail from the doctor saying, "Congratulations, you are pregnant!" while I stood among the crayons and construction paper.  It was the best phone call I ever, ever received. Before I was your mom, I wanted you with all my heart. Before I was your mom, I never imagined how I would know you from the start, How seeing your round little face after you were born was like seeing someone I've known my whole life. How you would turn at the sound of my voice. How calling my...

It was the summer of two wheelers without training wheels (Alex) and a new two wheeler with training wheels (Megan).  It  was the summer of camp and wet towels and bathing suits every day. It was the summer of too much money spent on ice cream from the same truck we saw each afternoon at camp.  It was the summer of front teeth lost.  It was the summer of pools and cousins and tie dye shirts with beads.  It was the summer of catching baseballs and kicking soccer balls.  It was the summer of a new watch, a new phone, a new car.  It was the summer of movie theaters and a Broadway show. It was the summer of the Long Island Rail Road into Penn Station. It was the summer of candy (not me) and packing veggies (me). It was the summer of reading books for grown-ups and finding new mentors.  It was the summer of reconnecting with friends. It was the summer of Uber rides and cocktails.  It was the summer of pushing myself ou...

My summer calendar was pretty open. A few appointments here and there but mostly stretches of sunny days without many to-do's. We haven't turned the calendar to September yet, but my September calendar is full! Doctor's appointments, sports, activities, back to school nights for my kids, back to school nights for me. I'm feeling a rising panic about how much there is to do and how to fit it all in, like a jigsaw puzzle I can't seem to place properly.  When I was kid-free, I would spend weeks getting my classroom ready. Now, with two school-age kids, that type of time isn't available. I'm grateful for two amazing Grandmas who are willing to take the kids for pockets of time so I can set up. But even that feels like the crunch- appointments sandwiched in between those hours to make sure my hair is back to school ready, too.  Playdates set up so the kids can have some fun with their school friends before heading back to class next week. The days aren't ...

I am so lucky! I am one of the classrooms in my district piloting brand new, beautiful furniture that emphasizes flexible seating options. Today I had the opportunity to see my new furniture for the first time in my classroom. Helpful custodians assisted me in rearranging a few items and now everything is in place- furniture-wise. There is still so much to do in regards to organizing, decorating, and getting the classroom ready for my 24 third graders. There is also much to do in the way of thinking through potential problems and possible solutions.  Name tags taped down on the desk or table always helped students initially find a spot on the first day of school. It also helped me get to know students' names and match their faces to the name. Students are assigned a number and they learned their number because it was on their name tag. How would I learn their names without desk tags? How would they learn their numbers? How would I match names to faces without the name tag?...

As I padded down the hallway in the early morning light, I visualized the scale reading a certain number. A number that would put me in a decade of numbers I haven't been in quite some time ( 8 years!). I'm so close! I worked so hard yesterday and I just FEEL thinner. I step on the scale, hold my breath and am crushed to see it exactly the same as the day before. Which means an ounce less and I'll be in that new decade. But stuck I am here, in this one I desperately want to leave behind.  Since May, I've been following a program called 2BMindset through BeachBody. It's a deviation from the usual BeachBody programs which mostly focus on the workout and then an eating plan that accompanies it. 2BMindset was created by Ilana Muhlstein and it focuses on the mindset you need to lose weight as well as the strategies she offers. Ilana herself has lost 100 pounds and is beautiful and inspirational. The program doesn't involve points or containers and is quite common...

I've been reading a lot this summer. Books for "fun" and books for professional learning, which I also find fun! I read Being the Change by Sara K. Ahmed as part of #cyberPD and I'll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson as part of a teacher book club. You can see the other books I've read by clicking on my Buncee shelf.   Many of the books I read circled back between the themes of identity and then community. Knowing yourself, appreciating who you are and then honoring other people's identities within a community.  For this year's #PB10for10, I decided to select 10 books that will help me build a strong classroom community. The books I selected tap into students' identities and beliefs about themselves. They also will help begin conversations about respect and what it means to be part of a community of learners.  Without further ado, here are the ten books I will read to foster identity and community in the beginning of the school year.  1. All ...

Recently on Twitter, author Lauren Tarshis posed a question: "Teachers...what do you love most about your work? What inspires you?" I saved this question to come back to because it is a compelling one.  I've been a teacher since 2001 but dreamed of being a teacher long before that.  A high-achiever and a hard-worker, I've had some internal conflicts about my decision to stay in the classroom rather than "climb the ladder" and seek a position with more respect, more authority, more clout. More money. More prestige. Shouldn't one keep striving for higher dreams and goals? Have I been complacent by staying in the classroom?  The thing is, I love being a teacher. There is always more to learn, so you never really feel complacent or like you are stagnating. When I switched from teaching kindergarten to third grade, it was like getting a totally new job! There were so many new lessons to learn and it felt exciting and scary but not at all boring. Kids ar...

My summer self does not set the alarm. My summer self starts the day on my screened in porch, near the blue hydrangeas. My summer self enjoys leisurely drinking a cup of coffee.  My summer self has flip flop tan lines. My summer self meets up with friends and family for lunch and shopping.  My summer self reads whatever she likes. My summer self takes my kids to camp in the morning and picks them up too. My summer self buys my children snow cones from the ice cream truck almost every day. My summer self can go to the movies in the middle of the day. My summer self can enjoy the weekends without grading or planning.  My summer self applies sunscreen often, washes beach towels every day and looks for camp shirts and bathing suits in the morning.  My summer self is more "Mom" than teacher.  My summer self embraces this season.  My summer self will be packed away with the shorts and bathing suits when school arrives. I'll look forw...

The training wheels were off. He hopped on the bike and it wobbled to one side. His foot touched the pavement, pushed off and he tried again, wobbling to the other side. The bike veered one way then the other and I held my breath.  Just a few weeks ago, he was adamant that he would NEVER ride a bike. Why should he ride a bike, he reasoned, when he plays baseball? He would never need to know how to ride a bike. He could just follow his friends on his scooter. Bike riding would not be part of his life. I'm not exactly sure how we went from NEVER being a bike reader to trying again, first with training wheels, then without. But tonight, I watched, holding my breath, as a shaky start lead to continuous, exhilirated pedaling.  He rode his bike faster, even riding over speed bumps and navigating turns. I couldn't do it for him, he had to prove it to himself that he COULD do it.  I stood off to the side and cheered for him, my heart swelling with happiness and pride. A...

"We must do the things we think we cannot do" -Eleanor Roosevelt  Swirly slides that splash you into the deep part of the pool. New bikes. Swimming lessons with a different instructor. Bikes without training wheels. Keynote speeches written and given. These are the challenges my children and I have been facing this summer. The scary, uncertain things we think we cannot do that are also exciting and exhilarating and make us grow.  Last week I talked about the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and who we are not. Those stories often stop us from doing the things we think we cannot do. It is safer for our psyche to say "I don't need to ride a bike. I will play baseball" (my son) then admit that riding a bike could be hard without training wheels. It might be hard for a while. It might take time to get it right. But if we tell ourselves that bike riding is not for us and we are not the kind of person who could ride a bike, that isn't really...