Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Reality Bites #SOL17

I think living means you need to purposefully ignore a lot of painful realities. As we go through our every days, doing such mundane tasks as grocery list-making and paying bills and brushing our teeth, we need to actively ignore the fact that we will one day die and all the people we love most will too. (Cheerful thought to start a Tuesday, no?) The whens and hows are a mystery and so we push these dreadful truths aside and live like we have forever, and all the ones we love have forever too.

At times, it's harder to deny these truths. A little girl I know, younger than my own little girl, is battling cancer. Why does a three year old get cancer and how does any of that fit into the bigger picture of life and what it all means? Surgeries, chemo, and dreadful side effects. An entire family's blue sky existence now muddled with stormy clouds and no break in sight. 

People say when this happens, be grateful for your children and their health. But this just doesn't sit right with me. Why do I get to have children who can skip in the sunshine and play baseball while another little girl lies motionless for weeks in a hospital bed? And if that can happen to her in an instant, who's to say that it can't happen to me or my family in an instant too? How can you be grateful for your happiness knowing another is in exquisite pain? 

More than ever, I see the yin and yang of life- the light and the dark. A friend's marriage over before it began. A colleague's treasured mother passing away. A little girl who posed with the Easter bunny at the beginning of March now fighting an aggressive cancer. A fire fighter father who lives on Long Island killed on the job. A little boy shot to death walking onto a school playground. Sadness everywhere.

Yet light, too. On Sunday, I took my daughter Megan to our Mommy and Me yoga class. The sky was crayon blue and Megan wore lavender sunglasses in the shape of a heart, with pearls around the edges. She looked like a movie star and chattered on happily, as we held hands, walking to the studio. Her small hand, so cozy in mine. Sunshine. 

So, as much as I can, I push the fear and the painful realities aside, and focus on the here and now and all the mundane tasks that need to get done. I work to do good while I can and show my love for the people I care about. I try to be one of the helpers Mr. Roger's mother talked about when she told him to "look for the helpers" when bad things happen. I just wish bad things could stop happening. 

Monday, April 17, 2017

On a Roll.... #SOL17

Last week, I was hungry and grouchy and negative and did I already say hungry? It was "Day 1" of my new eating plan and I was resenting it, big time. Your comments were so uplifting and helpful...so thank you if you commented! And the next day was a little easier, and the next easier...and now it's been 8 days on this new program. I'm over 3 pounds thinner, which is a nice start, but the best part is I feel calmer- more level. I feel prepared. I've found recipes that don't make me feel like I'm suffering. Suddenly all the foods I was longing for don't seem as important as they did last week. 

Case in point- Easter Sunday. Before my Grandmother passed away, every year she would make a ricotta pie on Easter. It was my favorite. I would never turn it down, no matter what diet I was currently following. It was special- an indulgence I always allowed myself. This year, with my Grandma gone, there was nothing specific I felt I MUST HAVE, so before-hand I decided I would do my best to stick to my plan. I made a delicious and colorful fruit salad to bring to my in-laws for dessert and I decided that would be all I had in that department. Nary a chocolate bunny passed through these lips! I did partake in one glass of sangria punch at my sister's house- it was divine. 

Food, weight, dieting- these are "heavy" issues for me (haha) and while there are no simple solutions, at the moment, I'm feeling really proud that I am working on this and giving it my all. While there are still rolls to contend with, and though I may long for a roll (especially a warm one with a pat of butter), I'm on a roll and making positive changes. Drum roll please! :)

Monday, April 10, 2017

Hungry #SOL17

I'd like to write about something else, but I am hungry. Today was the first day of what I am not supposed to call a "diet" but, instead, a lifestyle change. The thing is, I don't want to change my lifestyle- I just want to be thinner while doing exactly what I've been doing. Apparently, that plan isn't going to work. I will have to put forth far greater effort, and eat much less of the food I love, to see pounds drop away. 

I am a hard worker. I am used to putting forth great effort...but with things that make me feel successful or tasks that seem important- like helping others. Why does my own health and fitness not seem important to me? Or is it that the "comforting" foods help me accomplish all the other work I take on? Is there some part of me that feels like being thin would be tempting fate too much and would result in some tragedy?

The day I finished our Slice of Life Story Challenge for March, I felt so proud of that accomplishment. A very good friend of mine, who has lost over 100 pounds and changed her life, questioned me when I asked how she stayed so dedicated. "You just blogged for 31 days. It's what you prioritize." That kind of stayed with me, annoyingly so. Why didn't I prioritize losing weight? If I put forth the same dedication that I do to other aspects of my life, would I be successful?

So here I am. Day 1 down. So many days more to go. A lot of weight to lose and a lot of work to do. When I took graduate credits towards my Masters +75, I knew it would take a long time and I took it class by class. Why am I so impatient with weight- want it all gone tomorrow! Why don't I embrace the journey as I do in nearly everything else I do? 

I hate being hungry and I hate being negative, and tonight, I'm feeling both.